TO LIVE IN CHAOS
I think for most of my life, I was attracted to chaos because it's all I knew. It's what I grew up in, so it's the only recipe I knew how to make. So I brought people into my life to recreate those old patterns, and the madness continued. And then their chaos inside of them would accuse me of being chaotic, and indeed, I was too.
But I am learning that at my core, I'm a very simple person. I like animals, nature, plants, good food, hiking, sitting on a porch, talking to friends, being by myself, reflecting, and being grateful for where I am and where I've come from.
My house in Kansas that I recently sold was a massive mega-mansion that I decided to keep it as part of my divorce, believing me and my family would need a place to commune/compound when systems started collapsing. And I gave it a good Hail Mary, trying to hold it all together; even though the maintenance and repair expenses were eating me alive, I felt like I had to stay there to keep everyone safe.
And it was total chaos-part of my pattern.
I was talking to a friend down in Texas last fall who has a farm here, and I said something about my farm in Kansas, and he said. "Ali, that's not a farm. That's a Malibu beach house on some land", and he was correct, and it was then that my wheels started turning to make my way down south to community and more like-minded people.
